I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
