Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
