I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
