Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
