piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize