You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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