My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
