Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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