The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
