I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
