Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize