i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
