EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
