I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
