Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
