I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
