Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
