Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
