I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
