Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
