Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
