How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
