So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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