After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
