I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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