Just fell off a train. Bad.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
