You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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