I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
