He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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