All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
