You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
