My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
