We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
