life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
