I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
