I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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