some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
