I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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