Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
