woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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