Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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