then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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