i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
