I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
we're so committed to being not committed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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