i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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