if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize