my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
