I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
