I am spending my child support on dildos
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
