Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize