I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
