On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
