She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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