Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
