Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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