im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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