Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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