probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
