Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize