Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
